Limitations

I've been facing limitations lately; limitations of time, energy, relationships and my own abilities.

At my job there are a lot of frustrating limitations. Today is Wednesday and I have to tell people that are looking for immediate help that they cannot talk to a counselor until Friday. I'm dreading every phone call today because there are bound to be a few really desperate people I will have to disappoint.

I'm coming up against limitations in relationships. The older everyone gets the harder it is to have access. In college everyone was together all the time, but now most people my age have husbands and children, everything must be planned and scheduled. Spontaneity is hard to come by and I confess I relied on spontaneity to form and maintain friendships. I have to work harder and make more intentional choices. It takes more time these day's for me to discover a person and find a rhythm in our friendship.

Last night at Bible study I was so tired that I hardly had the energy to engage anyone, but I wanted to be able to. I needed to get home and go to sleep, but I hadn't seen anyone for several weeks. I wound up staying longer than I planned talking to people afterwards, but feeling the tension of how unsatisfying the quality of my conversation was because I was so tired.

I'm feeling limitations in my abilities. I'm suppose to sing for a wedding this Sunday. I'm excited. I've been practicing the song, but I'm fearful that it won't sound good. It's work and I can feel the limitations of my voice. I'd like it to sound a certain way, but it doesn't. It's not bad, it's just not a certain thing that it seems might be more acceptable. I'm trying to drop the expectation and just sing from my heart, but it's getting buried in the struggle. I'd just like to be who I am and have that be enough. This feeling goes further than singing. Singing has a way of bringing up all my fears and insecurities. It's a vulnerable act to put your voice out in the world.