Quieter Commitments

I’ve been thinking a lot about the quieter commitments that I’ve made in my life that have guided and directed it. They are commitments that are so quiet I didn’t even realize I’d made them.

My life has a momentum I don’t like, yet it feels so much like unnamable forces are in control. I’m aware there are things I could change. There are some really obvious to do’s. Anyone could do them. I could do them. I’ve had many a well meaning friend, even strangers suggest them. Yet, I can’t seem to jump the hurdle, find the energy or even more importantly the desire.

But very recently God’s grace and light has come to me. In a very difficult conversation, someone I trust pointed out to me one of these barely audible commitments. I learned in an eye twinkling moment that the to do’s I’m not doing, have a whole lot to do with this very quiet, subconscious commitment I’ve made about how I will live my life.

It was a deeply sobering moment as the light poured down onto the far reaching consequences it’s had. The light poured down on the deep root of it’s presence in my life, a commitment with such an obvious hold that this person who saw it expressed fear that I may never change.

Her statement felt like a gauntlet, though I know that was not its intent. I could feel my heels digging in to letting this thing go and so I felt the validity of her fear and it became mine too. I’ve ruled my life this way for so long and have built up a litany of powerful justifications for it. I do want to change, but am I up for the price of it?

Am I up for the pain I will have to face in how I’ve harmed my self and others in this? Am I up for the reopening of fearful and painful wounds that caused me to create such a deep commitment?

I think of Christ who for the joy set before him endured the cross. I wonder if, in this revelation, I have now wandered into a chance to follow His way, that my feet are now walking on His path? I wonder, if I endure through what I know will be painful, if I will come into the joy. And what joy did the Lord set before Him and enter? What joy can I expect? He entered the joy of restored relationship with all His creation. He entered the joy of restoring a relationship with me. So in this journey I will reach to Him and enter that joy too.

An encouraging thought comes to me as I embark. His pain was not greater than his joy. If it were the universe would have fallen apart. Don’t you think? So I will take that promise of greater joy and walk. In the midst of pain, I will ever cast my self into the joy of being with Him.