The Mean Time

I've been over optimistic and will have to retract on my said plans for going to massage school. The very plain truth is that there is just not money to do this and there is just no way I am willing to dig myself a larger pit of debt to climb out of later.

In all honesty it hurts. Initially I cried, then I was hopeful and peaceful, and now I'm back to stuck and waiting. I am no longer feeling relieved of the what should I do question? So I've embarked on trying to be thriftier and to save something so that I might have more when the opportunity comes around again.

What do I do in the mean time so I don't go crazy? I confess that I tire of waiting for these far out on the horizon hopes. I also confess that I have this strange hope that what I find in the meantime may actually become more meaningful than the destination.

The whole situation though, begs larger questions. Larger questions about the ordinary of life. There is so much waiting, at least my life has had a lot of that. I think so often that the only thing that matters is arriving, is doing the thing you where made to do or having something or finding someone, then the real life starts, then you will be satisfied.

That way of thinking sets up this sort of rightness or wrongness of things. I tend to think that while I am not being or doing the "thing" I am wrong. When the truth is that I am merely on my way. I think that this might be the most liberating truth I could take hold of and yet it has been the most difficult to receive. It's a truth that I constantly bat away because if I can't believe in arrival than what should I believe in?

You know what I really want, and want to believe is that I'm fine, that I will move through my life in time, that I will move through my life near to God and not opposed to him. That the nearness will be enough, that it will satisfy all the time and that the doings of my life will be free from carrying the weight of my happiness. And that ordinary will be just as lovely as all the rest.