Having and wanting

All joy . . .emphasizes our pilgrim status; always reminds, beckons, awakens desire. Our best havings are wantings.
~C.S Lewis

Yesterday our church got in the way of the wind. You could feel it stirring before we even began. It was a wind that comes up from underneath and pushes up and up, and it did as we praised a God who is Holy. He carried us up and propelled us forward and helped us loosen our grip on things a little bit more. Teaching us to chase him, wild goose that he is.

There was no fear in letting go. He is kind. Everyone participated. Every one laid something down and asked the Lord for new life, for resurrection of the stale or aching or broken things.

I was filled with awe and song. I was tempted to feel suspicious at so much elation in simply singing and being. I'm tempted to ask if I am just full of myself, so delighted with the sound of my own voice? When I'm not singing I think about doing it again, how to do it better, how to ride the wind with more abandon. I wonder if what I heard in my mind and ached to sing, was the Lord prompting?

Later in the day I sat quietly with others in prayer, in His presence, and the thing I heard in my mind I prayed out loud and it felt like a living thing or like a meal that could satisfy for a long time. It wasn't me that made the meal. It wasn't like a flash or a strong voice but a quiet phrase playing, sounding just enough not like me that I considered it, held it in my hand awhile and then gave away. It thrilled me again.

I was thrilled for hours, happy and lite and near to God and aching. Joyful and not yet satisfied.
I had to lay it down at some point, descend to the earth again and give the wanting a break, but I didn't want to leave the presence of the Lord. How do I rest but not leave the joy behind I wondered?

Like a pilgrim I went for a walk through the neighborhood, enjoying the light and shadow and canopy of the trees, the tended grass and flowers, the neighbors who were out talking with one another. Geese flew overhead. I wondered if these where the mysterious and chaseable type. I turned toward home and taking my breath away was the most luscious orb of a full moon I've ever seen, hovering so low to the horizon that it had swelled to three times its normal size.
Like a meal I could eat and be satisfied with for a long time.