Graces

As of two Thursday's ago I didn't know how I would walk back into work. I had a melt down at lunch, in which I suddenly became unable to handle how the rest of my day would go.

Let me explain. My days at work are full of boredom. If the phone isn't ringing I don't have any other responsibilities or tasks to do, so I have to find ways of entertaining myself. This gets really tedious. Eight hours of answering the phone and filling time.

The other problem is that I don't have a lot to do with myself on the weekend. I'm embarrassed to admit this. Some how I haven't managed to do what the rest of the culture does and that's get busy. I don't have many responsibilities, no husband, no children, not even a pet to care for. So I find myself having to fill time. And that's the major thing that caused the melt down. The thought that my life has been reduced to filling time.

At my job the question is "what am I going to do for the next five minutes to stay sane?" On the weekend it's how am I going to fill the next hour so I stay sane?"

It's the same question every where. I had a long sobbing conversation with my creator. I pleaded for relief from this unending burden. I asked for a vacation. "Please Lord arrange some kind of vacation for me, a vacation from filling time."

I went back into work and asked for the next day off. I knew I just needed to not be there the next day. I was still worried though about what I would do with my self for the next few days.

Friday morning came around and two graces came my way. I awoke with some idea of things I wanted to do that day, both fun and functional, however as I started in I was just anxious about it. The anxiety was from fear that I ought to be doing "more important" things, something that would be getting me out of my current job, for instance. So I didn't feel freedom to just do the things I planned with joy or abandon. I stopped and thought I could ask Jesus about this. I settled down and got quiet. The first thought that came was, "you're not going to solve your job dilemma today." and the next was "what do you want to do today?" I went through the list and it all seemed well. I relaxed and drove straight to the coffee shop to have breakfast and read and ponder. That was Grace number one. The day was planned and filled with enjoyable things.

While I was there my phone rang. It was my brother. Now this was a surprise because we don't call each other. So of course I was immediately curious. He asked me if I want to come and visit him and his family that weekend. "Umm . . . yeah actually my weekend is wide open. Yes I 'll come this would be the perfect weekend (more than you know)."

It was another one of those moments where you look around expecting to see God standing there smiling. Thank you Jesus, for this little vacation.

I had a lovely weekend with them all, Dan and Jen and the kids and no time filling.