I laid down with all hope of receiving pleasant life giving dreams. I woke up wondering why I dwelled all night in the impossibles of my life. Center stage where two relationships that have and are breaking my heart. One is from my distant past and one is currently, ongoingly, constantly throwing itself in my face.
It's this last one that I really didn't want to spend my restorative sleeping hours mucked up in. I awoke feeling unclean, unholy and as if somehow I had failed my lord again by what I am still holding onto and cannot let go of, not even when I'm sleeping.
Maybe it wouldn't be so upsetting if I hadn't have read what I did before I went to bed. It was a passage from Psalm 68. I discovered it yesterday morning and kept reading it through the day. It arrested me with it's beauty and power and promise.
When you went out before your people, O God,
when you marched through
the wasteland,
the earth shook,
the heavens poured down
rain before God, the One of Sinai,
before God, the God of
Israel.
You gave abundant showers, O God;
you refreshed your
weary inheritance.
Your people settled in it,
and from your bounty, O God, you
provided for the poor.
So when I laid down I hoped I'd dream about this, that I would wake up refreshed, that the weariness would have been washed away by all that God filled rain.
As I'm writing this now though, I've begun to have a kinder thought for myself. Maybe it wasn't just me doing the dreaming. Maybe God was throwing up to me all the things that he is going to march through and shake. Maybe I don't have to blame myself here for not letting go and dwelling on these old things and not trusting him. Maybe he was just letting me remember the litany so that when it all changes, when the bounty comes, I'll remember where I started and that he hasn't missed a thing not even that dam drippy faucet.
1 comment:
hmmm....:)
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