Learning to Fly

You'll have to forgive the pinging around on this one. I'm not in a clear state at the moment.

So hearing the Tom Petty song in the grocery store the other day reminded me of a few of his other song that I love. He writes anthem songs. "Learning to Fly" has been one of mine for a long time.

Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
The town lit up the world got still

Im learning to fly but I aint got wings
Comin down is the hardest thing

Well the good old days may not return
And the rocks might melt, and the sea may burn

Im learning to fly but I aint got wings
Comin down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I started out for God knows where
But I guess Ill know when I get there

Im learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down
Im learning to fly but I aint got wings
Comin down is the hardest thing

Im learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down

Im learning to fly
Im learning to fly

As someone who has felt there wings clipped, or stunted, this song says a lot about what it's like to learn about the wings you are suppose to have and use and what happens as you learn. I wish it was all more clear than this. In some ways no one can tell you what you're suppose to do. You are always the one who has to make the choice, in the end you're the only one that answers for it all. Thank the Lord (I mean that) that he is full of mercy.

But I want so much to stop going haphazardly along. I want to make a choice in my life that I'm sure of, that has a sure intention in it. I don't want to be constantly driven along by my dissatisfaction or desperation. Part of why I've stayed in this same place for so long is to aviod all the upheaval and wind up in the same sort of dissatisfaction. I'm not sure I know how to let that go. I don't think I need to know where exactly it's all going, but I'd like to make a sure choice about the road I'm getting on becuase I've found a lot of dirty ones that didn't get anywhere close to where I'd hoped.

I do believe in God's sovereignty on the road. I trust that where I wind up is accounted for. And maybe, the road is not as important as who I am and who He is along the way. I believe that he believes in my flight and wants to see me fly. Here's the trouble, right now I believe more than ever in my ability to fly, I can feel what I might look like, but I'm grounded. I've been grounded for a long while. It's hard to bear that. I wonder if it's my fault, if I'm grounding myself or if God's grounding me. It's so hard to keep leaning into him when I feel like I'm failing him all the time. But I usually find that when I dare enough to lean in, his voice is always kind and always loving even when he's correcting me. Even as I write this I feel him asking me to let the failng go, it's up to him. Some how I just don't believe that he could be this patient with me.

Again. . . Lord have Mercy on me that I might believe.