The Past is Present

I’ve made it through, but lately it seems near. I was pulling out pictures the other day looking for a picture that represented joy. I found something else instead.

I was flipping through an album that was full of pictures from when I lived in Seattle and was attending graduate school. I burst into tears. I wasn’t even trying evoke memories as I looked. I was just suddenly transported to that time and washed over with the utter disappointment and enduring pain of that time in my life.

The experience of that pain has been dormant for several years now, but recently I’ve had conversations or experiences that have brought it up again. It’s such an odd thing to be going along with whatever daily thing and suddenly feel in the exact way I’d felt in the past as if I were there and not here.

I have to remind myself that I’ve already lived through it and I’m ok now, but I’m curious about why it’s come up again. I’m going to air on the side that God wants to speak to me and heal me. I love these words from “The Life Model”, “When pain from the past is unresolved, (you) struggle with it every day – it is not past at that moment, it is present. Pain from the past cannot stay in the past until it receives healing.” And that is where I’m at.

There is gratefulness in me as I realize that this is happening now because I’m actually more healed and well and stable than I’ve been in a long time. If I crash a little not everything will crash down. The experience of the pain won’t render me helpless as if it were the final word. Still, it’s not pleasant and I must be mindful to bring it before the Lord.

And I’m grateful to say that I’ve already begun to see the first of the fruit of this experience. A new thought has arrived in my spirit as I’ve experienced this that previously I’d not been able to handle. The thought is that part of the problem in that time was my own stubbornness and rebellion. I wanted certain things to be on my terms, and those terms were in opposition to God’s Holy design. Concretely, one of the biggest errors I made was in walking away from fellowship and ceasing to believe that the church had something meaningful to offer me. I was arrogant about it and didn’t really try to see the church beyond its imperfections.

In all previous attempts at contemplating this time I’d usually come out on the heavy ends. Either it would all windup being my fault or it would all wind up being God’s evil plan and mostly I’d be struck with a massive amount of confusion over the whole thing. If I admitted I was wrong or had a part in some of the pain, I could only admit it with a punch of self-contempt spiraling me down into a dark pit. Which I’m convinced is a clear sign that the enemy is polluting my thoughts. But this time the admission was covered in grace, in true sorrow. And instead of feeling contempt and a hardening I could feel my heart grow softer and a true I’m sorry come forth. I could feel myself want to draw near to God instead of feeling as if I needed to duck. I felt God’s wide open arms embracing me and saying something like. “I’m glad you see your part, it’s ok."

Hmm . . . It’s ok. I’m present now, to the pain, but even more to the presence of God, present to His redeeming love.